I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
