i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
