You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
