you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We need a shit load of segways right now
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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