Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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