Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
