oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
