Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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