He asked to "fluff my boner.."
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
