Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sorry about my life...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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