Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
it's like heaven, but drunker
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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