I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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