You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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