Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm eating all of the evidence.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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