I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
