Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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