I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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