My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
