thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
