You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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