How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize