we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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