Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Randomize
