At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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