pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
