My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
