Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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