I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
