Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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