walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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