I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
