I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize