I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
