Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
