Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
