My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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