checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
