Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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