Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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