Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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