think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
