She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
