mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
