one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
