i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
