he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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