I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
