Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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