Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
