I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
