What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
