I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
