Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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