I hope mine doesn't look like that
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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