There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
