So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
