you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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